Steven Seagal and Vladimir Putin meet the press
American action-movie actor Steven Seagal arrives for Vladimir Putin’s inauguration ceremony as Russian president in the Grand Kremlin Palace in Moscow, Russia, Tuesday, May 7, 2024. (Alexander Nemenov/Pool Photo via AP)
Steven Seagal, who’s featured in the current episode of Imagination & Junk, recently visited Russia to attend the inauguration of Vladimir Putin. While Seagal was in Moscow the two old friends made a joint appearance for Western press. This is a transcript.
PUTIN (through translator): Thank you very much for being here. Can everyone hear me? Thank you for being here. We are grateful for—
SEAGAL: Wait. What’s that? Something’s not right. Who is that? (Adopts menacing karate stance, flurries air with hands) SHOW ME YOUR HANDS! HANDS, BRO!
PUTIN: That is the kid with the tea, Steven.
SEAGAL: Right. Okay. Stand down. Jesus, hang on. (Leans over from waist and puts hands on knees, puffing like a steam engine) I’m winded. That really took it outta me. Christ, I need a blow.
PUTIN: Yes, I can see. Would you like some tea? Would that help?
SEAGAL: I just need to sit down.
PUTIN: Please.
SEAGAL (sitting): That’s better. Kid really snuck up on me, you know? He’s quick. (Calls to tea boy) You got potential, brother. Respect. Just stay true to your beliefs and you’ll be all right. (Clasps fists to chest, bows shallowly)
PUTIN: If I may continue.
SEAGAL: Your country, bro.
PUTIN: It is a pleasure—
SEAGAL: …I just, you know… People all over the world know Steven Seagal. I like to take the opportunities to drop some knowledge on the young people. They’re the future, man. Wherever.
PUTIN: Of course. It is a pleasure to welcome my distinguished American—
SEAGAL: Hang on. (Stands slowly, narrows eyes) Something’s not right. (Listens) That humming. Hear that? That’s an ignition device. You probably don’t hear it. But I do. My hearing’s incredibly sensitive. I spent my life in martial arts, baby. I know how to be attuned to nuances when I’m in dangerous places.
PUTIN: Steven, we are in the Tchaikovsky Ballroom of the Four Seasons.
SEAGAL: Doesn’t matter. It’s a way of life. I was you, I’d evacuate the sector. (Executes low defensive stance)
PUTIN: I’m pretty sure what you heard is the ice machine.
SEAGAL (shrugs): If that’s what you want to believe, man. I’m just here to help, know what I’m saying? (Stands) Whoa. Spins. My blood sugar must be a little low from the flight.
PUTIN: Are you—
SEAGAL: I’m good. I just need to get horizontal for a quick sec. (Lies on stage, covers eyes with hands) Wow. That was a bad one. Can I get, like, a damp tea towel or something?
PUTIN: Perhaps after.
SEAGAL: Never mind. We good. (Gets laboriously to knees, stands. Surreptitiously wipes face with neck bandana) Carry on, bro.
PUTIN: There is much we can learn from one another, despite our differences…
SEAGAL: Sho you right. First time I met Van Damme? Let me tell you something, I’ll be very honest, I thought: What the hell is this? Dude’s about five feet nothin’ and he’s Belgian, you know what I’m saying? What’s he gonna teach me, how to make chocolate? But I learned from him. And he learned from me. I’m a teacher. He’d tell you the same. That’s the point we’re trying to make here (gestures to Putin).
PUTIN: Perhaps we should break for lunch.
SEAGAL: I’ll need to inspect the food.
PUTIN: Steven, my food is fine.
SEAGAL: No, I mean for me. I’m lactose intolerant. (Bows from waist) Namaste.
PUTIN {Leans into mic. In English:} The bar is open.
